Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
