I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
