that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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