Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
