watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
