The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
