Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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