I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
