My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have fence marks all over my body
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
