and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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