I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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