I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
