he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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