i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize