I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
