i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
