Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
