He asked to "fluff my boner.."
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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