There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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