I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
