my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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