True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
