Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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