I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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