Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
