If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
