I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
