I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize