I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
