my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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