i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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