First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
