I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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