I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
