Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
