Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
