I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
