Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
