found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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