i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
