Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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