"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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