If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
