I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
