Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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