my phone needs a breathalizer
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We are two peas in an std pod
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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