My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
