yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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