Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
