you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
