i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
