low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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