Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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