Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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