I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
