its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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