Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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